I realize, dear readers reader, that it's the middle of January, and I have not yet made the obligatory New Years Resolution post. It's not that I hate resolutions and think poorly of those who make them; hell, I make one every year, the incredibly original, "I resolve never to make another New Years Resolution". (Which I obviously break, since I say the same damn thing every year) It's just that I don't get it.
What is it about January that makes everything all shiny and new? I don't see how January 1st is any better than December 31st. In fact, it's probably a much shittier day since you've got your face in the toilet nursing the mother of all hangovers. Now that's the way to start the year, waking up on the bathroom floor with the distinct taste of ass and cigarettes in your mouth. Yay new beginnings!
Why do we need an excuse to better ourselves? Why wait until January 1? Why not June 1? Or tomorrow? After all, it is the first day of the rest of your life. (By the way, I hate that fucking saying. It's also one day closer to your death. Ever think about that, Shiny Happy People? Piss off) I guess I understand the concept, you know, "new year, new you" and all that happy horse shit. But really, why set yourself up like that? You know damn well you're not going to lose weight or quit smoking or jog 5 miles a day or ooh what's that on T.V is that the new season of House ??
So, you start the new year with a big fat lie, knowingly setting yourself up for failure within minutes weeks, which then sets off a prolonged guilt trip -- not only for breaking your resolution, but for perpetrating that big fat lie in the first place -- that results in you gaining 15 pounds and going up to 2 packs a day. Gee, where do I sign up? Wait, I missed that boat, didn't I, it being the middle of January and all? Oh well. There's always next year.
What is it about the holidays that makes us overeat? I weighed myself this morning, and I've gained 5 pounds since Christmas. And I mean since Christmas, because I gained a few pounds after Thanksgiving -- don't judge! I did have 2 different Thanksgiving meals you know -- and I made damn sure I lost them before December 25th. So what is it about the holidays that makes us indulge, that says "hey, it's ok if you eat like a fucking pig, it's Jesus' birthday! He would totally want you to have that 3rd helping of pecan pie. In fact, you oughta have thirds on the sweet potatoes, in His honor. I heard He was big on the green bean casserole, too". Seriously. Are we trying to keep Santa from being self-conscious about his jolly old spare tire by putting on a few extra pounds ourselves? You're supposed to be good for goodness sake, not fat for goodness sake.
On Thanksgiving you're supposed to give thanks for what you have, right? -- what, by shoveling it into your face? It's supposed to be a season of giving, but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to give to others, not to your thighs. So why do we do it, then? Please, tell me why I'm carrying around an extra 5 pounds of Christmas cookies in my ass. And why exactly are there Christmas cookies? You can buy cookies in the store every damn day -- why do people choose Christmas to bake their own and have them at every fucking party and family function known to man? And then to add insult to injury, the assholes give them out as gifts! Bastards! Why must you give the cookie a bad name by turning it into a fundamental piece of Holiday Heft? What you're really saying is: "I don't like you enough to buy you a gift, but I don't hate you, and it would be rude not to have a present for you, so here's a little something that is really just a gift for me because in 2 weeks your ass won't fit into your office chair and I'm gonna laugh about it. Not to your face, though. Because that would be rude. Happy holidays!". There aren't any Independence Day cookies. No Martin Luther King, Jr. Day cookies. So what the fuck, people? Stop with the damn cookies! And the green bean casserole. Why do people only serve that nasty shit around the holidays? What makes it so special that we only whip out the Cream of Mushroom Soup and french friend onions around Christmas? Hell, maybe Jesus really did have a thing for it.
I'm tired of spending the entire year regretting giving so much thanks for what I have. I guess now I actually have an excuse to be an ungrateful bitch. Sweet.
