Playing Catch-up

I was eating a turkey club with french fries the other day at a tiny diner outside of Jersey City, waiting for my ketchup to come out of the frickin bottle, when I realized I haven't seen a ketchup commercial in a long time. I mean, a really long time. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a commercial for any type of condiment, with the exception of A1 sauce. What's up? Not that I need to be subliminally persuaded by a $35 million commercial to go out and buy something to accompany my burger. But, I mean, is the condiment industry in such dire straits they need to save money by yanking all their commercials? Is there some sort of mustard shortage I'm not aware of? Is relish going the way of the dodo? And when was the last time you saw a pickle commercial? There are some new pickles out there that are seriously awesome -- like the tobasco kind. Ever had one? I highly recommend them. My theory is that the condiment executives are just biding their time, waiting for the right moment to suddenly saturate the market with hundreds of ketchup commercials -- like the calm before the storm, or the way the ocean draws back before a tidal wave -- Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial beginning of summer, and grilling season. Hold on to your wallets, people. You may suddenly feel the urge to go ketchup crazy. Consider yourself warned.

Jesus Takes the Train

OK, don't want to wierd you out, but Jesus apparently likes the Washington Nationals. And rides the Blue line. Remember that Joan Osborne song, "What if God Was One of Us"? Dude, Jesus is totally a slob like one of us. Except he prefers the train to the bus. I was walking to the Metro after a Nats baseball game the other day, minding my own business, when I suddenly found myself next to our Lord and Savior on the escalator. I shit you not. I immediately whipped out my phone and tried to take a picture -- which is damn near impossible to do on the DL, especially since he is all-knowing -- but he ducked away, even though I never even looked at him. OK, maybe I did, but we never made eye contact. I think doing that means instant death. Or maybe it's hearing him speak that brings instant death. Either way, I didn't get the picture. When we reached the platform, I lost Jesus in the crowd, so I figured God just didn't want me to photograph his beloved Son. And I can't really blame him. It must be really fucking annoying when people try to take your picture, and you're all like, "Man, I'm just trying to ride the Blue line, ok? Why you gotta be all up in my glorified grill? I'm just trying to make my way home, back up to Heaven all alone" See...that's the... song...what if... ok nevermind. So I sit my ass down in one of the handicapped seats near the front (cause I'm an asshole like that), and who should be sitting in the handicapped seat on the other side of the train, but Jesus! (Apparently Jesus is an asshole, too) He was busy talking to his disciples at that point, so I once again whipped out my phone, and this time I was able to get the shot, because it's a rotating camera, so I can hold the phone facing downward like I'm playing a game or something, and rotate the camera up to take a picture in front of me. I wasn't sure the pic would come out; you know, like if you try to photograph a ghost, it's just a white flash .. plus the lighting in the metro isn't exactly conducive to polite conversation, yet alone photography, but there he is, in the flesh.

I apologize for the crappy quality, but what can you expect from a piece of shit LG cameraphone from 2003? I can't get a new one until October, OK? That's when I get my $100-off certificate, and you're crazy if you think I'm going to pay full price for a new phone. Shee-it.

This will probably be my last post, because I'm sure God will strike me down as I walk to my car, but you have to admit, it really does look like Jesus. Seriously, right? Right?!?

Random Thought of the Day #2

Does anyone know how to do the Loco-motion? I mean, seriously. You know the song. We all know the song. You would've had to have been living under a rock with your head up your ass not to know the song. But the song is about a dance. Do you know how to do the dance? The instructions are right there in the damn song.

You gotta swing your hips now/Come on baby, jump up, jump back/

Well I think you got the knack/Woah, woah

Um, no. I don't have the knack, and I bet my right tit that you don't either. Seriously now, tell me, have you ever been to a dance party/club/rave where someone was doing the Loco-motion? Christ, Kylie Minogue did a cover of the damn thing. Does she know how to do the Loco-motion? If history has shown us anything, songs about dances are stupid. The Loco-motion, The Twist, The Hokey-Pokey, Electric Slide, Humpty Dance, Macarena... I think I've made my point.

Can't Hold a Job

I'm leaving the Pentagon Channel. After like 2 and a half months. I could chalk it up to the nature of the business, you know, you move where the jobs are, market size is everything, blah blah blah. But I think it's actually that my mother was right, and I'm drifting along with my head up my ass. Not that that's a bad thing, really. Ignorance is awesome. You can let doors slam in people's faces, cut people off in traffic, knock over tourists without even looking back, unless it's to say "Watch where you're walking, asswipe!". I think I'll commit my life to living ignorantly. It seems to work for so many people; usually the ones that don't hold doors, cut me off, and oh yea, crowd in front of elevator doors so people already on the elevator can't get off. Love that! Oh, the new gig is at MSNBC. So I guess that brings their total viewership to what, like, 6?