Thanks. I Think

You can't be thankful for what you have if you forget what you have lost. That's why this time of year is so hard for me. My miswired brain focuses more on what was lost. Don't get me wrong; I love Christmas. Ok no, not really. I hate Christmas. I love the idea of Christmas. I love the ribbons and bows, the shiny paper, the Christmas carols, twinkling lights in windows, baking cookies and drinking spiced eggnog while decorating the tree (oh come on, like you've never decorated drunk). I love the feeling of wonder that fills the air, the wide-eyed children, the "comfort and joy" of the season. It makes me feel comfortable and joyous.


Then Christmas comes. And I hate it. Family and friends come together for a big Christmas meal, and I hate it. Because it's over. The wonder of the season vanishes, just like that, and I'm left uncomfortable and...uh, unjoyous?


I remember sitting in the living room as a child, in the dark of the morning -- yet another reason why school sucks, getting up before the sun -- and squinting at the tree. Just so the lights blurred and the edges softened. I remember thinking I never wanted to forget that moment, the soft light and the sound of the fireplace. Well, I do remember it. So why do I feel so sad?