Random Thought of the Day #3

I was in the bathroom the other day -- and never you mind about the details. Ahem. Anyway, I was in the bathroom, and I noticed that the cheap ass toilet paper brand my mother-in-law bought was actually called "bath tissue". Um, bath tissue? It's toilet paper, for God's sake. I can understand "toilet tissue", but "bath tissue"? You don't use it in the bath! You use it on your ass! It goes in the toilet! Facial tissue goes on your face, toilet tissue goes in the toilet. Makes me want to stick somebody's face in the toilet, call them "bath face".

Juvenile and Lovin' It!

I know it's been a while since my last post, but you try getting up at 4am and driving 45 minutes to work at a network nobody watches, with Dan Abrams for a boss. It takes everything I've got not to slip into a coma. I'm drooling all over my keyboard as it is. Besides, no one reads my blog anyway, so what the fuck do you care? Anywho... today I've included some fun photos of various food items that, well, amuse the hell out of me. It's so cool to be immature.

OK, so I've actually heard of this before, but I didn't know it was microwaveable. Ooh, kinky!

I don't even know where to begin on this one. I think I'll just let the picture speak for itself.

Driveby

Ever see one of these signs while you're driving? You see a lot of them in New Jersey. Apparently they've got a lot of accidents. Hmmm. Could it be the condition of the roads maybe? Again, hmmmmmm. Really makes you think, huh? But, I digress. That's another post. Anyway, I can't help but wonder, does this sign give you license to drive like a lunatic? I find it to be the most ridiculous thing in the world. Something like "End Dangerous Highway Corridor" would be much more appropriate, don't you think? That makes you go, 'Whew, I made it through there without a scratch! I'm an awesome driver!' But "End Safety Corridor"? It's like telling every asshole driver out there, 'Hey! there's no need to be safe any more, just drive like a lunatic and everything will be a-okay'. Christ, people are stupid.

Playing Catch-up

I was eating a turkey club with french fries the other day at a tiny diner outside of Jersey City, waiting for my ketchup to come out of the frickin bottle, when I realized I haven't seen a ketchup commercial in a long time. I mean, a really long time. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a commercial for any type of condiment, with the exception of A1 sauce. What's up? Not that I need to be subliminally persuaded by a $35 million commercial to go out and buy something to accompany my burger. But, I mean, is the condiment industry in such dire straits they need to save money by yanking all their commercials? Is there some sort of mustard shortage I'm not aware of? Is relish going the way of the dodo? And when was the last time you saw a pickle commercial? There are some new pickles out there that are seriously awesome -- like the tobasco kind. Ever had one? I highly recommend them. My theory is that the condiment executives are just biding their time, waiting for the right moment to suddenly saturate the market with hundreds of ketchup commercials -- like the calm before the storm, or the way the ocean draws back before a tidal wave -- Memorial Day weekend, the unofficial beginning of summer, and grilling season. Hold on to your wallets, people. You may suddenly feel the urge to go ketchup crazy. Consider yourself warned.

Jesus Takes the Train

OK, don't want to wierd you out, but Jesus apparently likes the Washington Nationals. And rides the Blue line. Remember that Joan Osborne song, "What if God Was One of Us"? Dude, Jesus is totally a slob like one of us. Except he prefers the train to the bus. I was walking to the Metro after a Nats baseball game the other day, minding my own business, when I suddenly found myself next to our Lord and Savior on the escalator. I shit you not. I immediately whipped out my phone and tried to take a picture -- which is damn near impossible to do on the DL, especially since he is all-knowing -- but he ducked away, even though I never even looked at him. OK, maybe I did, but we never made eye contact. I think doing that means instant death. Or maybe it's hearing him speak that brings instant death. Either way, I didn't get the picture. When we reached the platform, I lost Jesus in the crowd, so I figured God just didn't want me to photograph his beloved Son. And I can't really blame him. It must be really fucking annoying when people try to take your picture, and you're all like, "Man, I'm just trying to ride the Blue line, ok? Why you gotta be all up in my glorified grill? I'm just trying to make my way home, back up to Heaven all alone" See...that's the... song...what if... ok nevermind. So I sit my ass down in one of the handicapped seats near the front (cause I'm an asshole like that), and who should be sitting in the handicapped seat on the other side of the train, but Jesus! (Apparently Jesus is an asshole, too) He was busy talking to his disciples at that point, so I once again whipped out my phone, and this time I was able to get the shot, because it's a rotating camera, so I can hold the phone facing downward like I'm playing a game or something, and rotate the camera up to take a picture in front of me. I wasn't sure the pic would come out; you know, like if you try to photograph a ghost, it's just a white flash .. plus the lighting in the metro isn't exactly conducive to polite conversation, yet alone photography, but there he is, in the flesh.

I apologize for the crappy quality, but what can you expect from a piece of shit LG cameraphone from 2003? I can't get a new one until October, OK? That's when I get my $100-off certificate, and you're crazy if you think I'm going to pay full price for a new phone. Shee-it.

This will probably be my last post, because I'm sure God will strike me down as I walk to my car, but you have to admit, it really does look like Jesus. Seriously, right? Right?!?

Random Thought of the Day #2

Does anyone know how to do the Loco-motion? I mean, seriously. You know the song. We all know the song. You would've had to have been living under a rock with your head up your ass not to know the song. But the song is about a dance. Do you know how to do the dance? The instructions are right there in the damn song.

You gotta swing your hips now/Come on baby, jump up, jump back/

Well I think you got the knack/Woah, woah

Um, no. I don't have the knack, and I bet my right tit that you don't either. Seriously now, tell me, have you ever been to a dance party/club/rave where someone was doing the Loco-motion? Christ, Kylie Minogue did a cover of the damn thing. Does she know how to do the Loco-motion? If history has shown us anything, songs about dances are stupid. The Loco-motion, The Twist, The Hokey-Pokey, Electric Slide, Humpty Dance, Macarena... I think I've made my point.

Can't Hold a Job

I'm leaving the Pentagon Channel. After like 2 and a half months. I could chalk it up to the nature of the business, you know, you move where the jobs are, market size is everything, blah blah blah. But I think it's actually that my mother was right, and I'm drifting along with my head up my ass. Not that that's a bad thing, really. Ignorance is awesome. You can let doors slam in people's faces, cut people off in traffic, knock over tourists without even looking back, unless it's to say "Watch where you're walking, asswipe!". I think I'll commit my life to living ignorantly. It seems to work for so many people; usually the ones that don't hold doors, cut me off, and oh yea, crowd in front of elevator doors so people already on the elevator can't get off. Love that! Oh, the new gig is at MSNBC. So I guess that brings their total viewership to what, like, 6?

Random Thought of the Day #1

This just popped into my head one day, as I was cleaning my dog's puke out of the car. Can't imagine why, just showed up. So, do police dogs get carsick? And who cleans that shit up if they do?

1984

I know it's been a while since my last post, but to be honest, I'm a little nervous about it. Government computers are monitored very closely, you know...as well as the phones. It's a little unnerving, to tell you the truth. I'm being watched...and therefore, so are you. Today I got my Pentagon badge. I swear there is a government conspiracy to make you look as disgusting as they possibly can in official photos. Seriously. It's a federal government thing, not a local government thing. My driver's license photo is awesome. I look happy and relaxed, smiling, and you can see the background, as well as my shoulders. In the federal IDs, they do an extreme close-up under a refridgerator lightbulb. No exaggeration here. In this photo, you can't even see my ears! It's that close. I have this horrible grimace, although I could have sworn I was smiling when they snapped the picture. It is the absolute worst representation of me ever taken. The only thing that rivals its hideousness, is my Capitol Hill pass. Again, a federal ID. And again, extreme closeup. Maybe it's because they don't want you flashing that thing around in public, to draw attention to yourself and your connection to the federal government. Well guys, in the words of our illustrious commander-in-chief: mission accomplished!

DoD

There is an air force sergeant sitting to my right, a marine corporal to my left, and a former Air Force sergeant directly in front of me. This is my day. It's somewhat surreal. Ever heard of The Pentagon Channel? Probably not, unless you're in the military. It's a network that provides news and other programming for military personnel around the world. And for regular shmoes with Comcast or Verizon cable. That's my latest gig, as I bounce around the bleak and terrible world of broadcast media. I'm a contract employee for the Department of Defense, and help produce the two newscasts that air on the network. Sadly, it's not a far cry from what I did at Fox. But now I'm getting paid to be an official mouthpiece for the propaganda machine, instead of a closet voice hidden behind the transparent curtain of "Fair and balanced". At least the equipment is state-of-the-art.

I Say, Fuggit

Here I am, taking a break from cleaning my house from top to bottom, all sweaty, hair everywhere, and exhausted. Why? All because we're having a Super Bowl Party. Well, I use the term "party" loosely here. We're having like 3 people over, which is a huge deal for us since we don't really entertain at all. So we're going through the routine, and halfway through mopping the kitchen, as I was brushing a stray hair out of my face, I wondered why the hell I was doing it. I mean, we clean and scrub for company...but we don't clean and scrub for ourselves (well, my sister does, but she's anal retentive -- she actually scrubs her bathroom floor with bleach every Sunday...I'm talking on her hands and knees!) We don't want our friends to see how we really live. Well, I say, fuck it. Next time you have company, don't do a damn thing. Sit right there on the couch in your sweats, drinking a nice cold beer, and scream "come in!" when they get there. "Hey! How ya doing! Come on in, don't trip over the shoes and the soccer ball. Damn kids. Oh, don't step there, the dog just puked. Anyway, come on in...there's beer in the cooler out back!" Yeah. Now that's a party.

The art of leaving

Ah Christ. I left my job today. Not like it was a long-term commitment or anything. I was just freelancing at the NBC affiliate in D.C. Or as my friend Darcy put it today, "perma-lancing". I worked 4 days a week there -- and only because I told them I didn't want to work Fridays. Otherwise, I would have been a full-time freelance employee. Which is an oxymoron of sorts...but I digress. They bought me a cake, and ice cream. We had a little going-away party for me. When I say "they", I don't mean the higher-ups. I mean the people in the trenches I worked with every day. I had only been there for about 6 months, maybe less. And they treated me like I was a long-time friend. You know, for every diva reporter and asshole manager (see my previous post, 'Take this job...'), there are a dozen people that take you in, accept you as one of their own, and make it worthwhile. They are the people that keep you from pulling your hair out and having a screaming fit in the middle of the office. Which, actually, I did at my previous job. I haven't quite mastered the art of leaving. It still hurts. Even leaving a place and people I've only known for a few months. I worked at Fox for more than 4 years. Hated it...and cried like a baby when I left. I long for the day when I don't have to leave anymore. Where I can settle down and stay, knowing I've found a home. A constant. Something that never changes, never wavers. And I hope I can appreciate it for what it is, instead of looking to the horizon for that next big adventure. I start my new gig on Monday. I'll let you know how it goes.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

--Elizabeth Bishop

Poetry 101

As I said, I'm an aspiring writer, but that's a bit misleading...I'm actually a poet. But I don't like to tell people that, because they immediately think of some flowery "how do I love thee" shit, and that's not me. I'm more of a realist when it comes to poetry. Somebody famous once said the difference between prose and poetry is the difference between saying 'put the cat out', and 'out cat'. See? No flowery romanticism there. So now I leave you with a poem I composed in my impressionable adolescent high school years...enjoy.

What does it mean to be a poet?

Writing down words to let everyone know it?

I think a person has way too much time

to sit around thinking of words that will rhyme.

And what do you call a poem that doesn't?

Bad.

Theory of Traffictivity

I've lived in the DC area for almost 5 years. And in that time, I've learned that traffic sucks. It came as no surprise to me that DC has the second worst traffic congestion in the entire country; second only to Los Angeles. And I think I know why. After years of unscientifically studying the ass ends of cars in front of me on the beltway, I've realized that the key lies with the number of lanes. It can be explained with this equation, my theory of traffictivity, if you will: Y * L = A (Where 'Y' is you, 'L' is the number of lanes, and 'A' is the resulting asinine driving of 'Y') You drive in the right lane, pass on the left. Pretty simple concept, I grasped it myself in my 10th grade driver's ed class. Granted, some people out there obviously got their licenses from a Crackerjack box, and don't know this. But for the most part, it's a pretty well-understood concept. However, when you throw an extra lane into the equation, the less intelligent of the concept-graspers get confused. (See above equation) And in the case of the 4-lane beltway, well, it's just a free-for-all clusterfuck. The concept doesn't change, people!! Drive on the right, pass on the left. God!! Idiot!!

Take this job and shove it...

Does anyone really like their job? I mean really like it? You know, loves getting up in the morning and walking into the office. I'm sitting here at work, waiting for a reporter to call in so I can put their chyron information into the rundown, bored out of my mind. I've been trying to beat my best mah jong time for like, 15 minutes. Anyway, I've often wondered if such people really exist. I'm sure they do, but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I mean, I hate my job. Really hate it. Despise getting up in the afternoon, despise the newsroom, despise needy reporters, despise the little "ding" in the iNews program that signifies a new message -- invariably it's some idiot who isn't doing their job, and wants me to do it for them. It's not interesting to work in television. At least, not in news. Local news blows. National news isn't much better. To work in news, you gotta love it. Live it, love it. I don't. I avoid it like the plague. I don't watch it if I can help it. You shouldn't, either. Mainstream media is destroying civilization as we know it. Don't believe me? I worked for FOX for 4 years. Lemme tell you something: if you gotta tell people you're fair and balanced, ya ain't fair and balanced. You're as biased and crooked as they come. No offense, Rupert.

Hello world

I finally talked myself into starting a blog, after weeks of composing blog posts in my head. Why, you may ask? For the same reason anyone ever does anything in life: everyone else is doing it. Actually, it's because I want to be a writer when (read: if) I grow up. So I figure, better start writing! I haven't really written anything in a few years; my mind has started to atrophy, which isn't as cool as it sounds. And besides, what I have to say is just as interesting as what anyone else has to say...in fact, probably more so, because I'm crazy. Not tweaked-out-and-carrying-on-a-conversation-with-the-cops crazy (ah, the good old days), but certifiably crazy. Sortof. OK, not really. Some doctors in college expressed concern. (You have one emotional breakdown and suddenly you're mentally unstable!) I seriously considered voluntarily committing myself, but I passed. I wasn't sure I wanted to be locked in a place with really mentally unstable people -- I figured it would make me feel worse. Guilty for thinking I needed to be taken care of, when there are some seriously fucked up people out there that really need to be committed. That, plus, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't, right? That is the stupidest saying on the planet. My mom says it, I've said it, and I hate it. My husband says it falsely portrays the unknown as evil. That's not quite true. I don't think it's the unknown itself that's scary and bad -- it could be all sunshine and roses on the other side of that door. It's the actual act of not knowing that's frightening. Because knowledge is power, right? It's also sadness and misery. Remember that.