Resolved: One Resolution

I realize, dear readers reader, that it's the middle of January, and I have not yet made the obligatory New Years Resolution post. It's not that I hate resolutions and think poorly of those who make them; hell, I make one every year, the incredibly original, "I resolve never to make another New Years Resolution". (Which I obviously break, since I say the same damn thing every year) It's just that I don't get it.


What is it about January that makes everything all shiny and new? I don't see how January 1st is any better than December 31st. In fact, it's probably a much shittier day since you've got your face in the toilet nursing the mother of all hangovers. Now that's the way to start the year, waking up on the bathroom floor with the distinct taste of ass and cigarettes in your mouth. Yay new beginnings! 


Why do we need an excuse to better ourselves? Why wait until January 1? Why not June 1? Or tomorrow? After all, it is the first day of the rest of your life. (By the way, I hate that fucking saying. It's also one day closer to your death. Ever think about that, Shiny Happy People? Piss off) I guess I understand the concept, you know, "new year, new you" and all that happy horse shit. But really, why set yourself up like that? You know damn well you're not going to lose weight or quit smoking or jog 5 miles a day or ooh what's that on T.V is that the new season of House ?? 


So, you start the new year with a big fat lie, knowingly setting yourself up for failure within minutes weeks, which then sets off a prolonged guilt trip -- not only for breaking your resolution, but for perpetrating that big fat lie in the first place -- that results in you gaining 15 pounds and going up to 2 packs a day. Gee, where do I sign up? Wait, I missed that boat, didn't I, it being the middle of January and all? Oh well. There's always next year.