O Cookie! My Cookie!

What is it about the holidays that makes us overeat? I weighed myself this morning, and I've gained 5 pounds since Christmas. And I mean since Christmas, because I gained a few pounds after Thanksgiving -- don't judge! I did have 2 different Thanksgiving meals you know -- and I made damn sure I lost them before December 25th. So what is it about the holidays that makes us indulge, that says "hey, it's ok if you eat like a fucking pig, it's Jesus' birthday! He would totally want you to have that 3rd helping of pecan pie. In fact, you oughta have thirds on the sweet potatoes, in His honor. I heard He was big on the green bean casserole, too". Seriously. Are we trying to keep Santa from being self-conscious about his jolly old spare tire by putting on a few extra pounds ourselves? You're supposed to be good for goodness sake, not fat for goodness sake.


On Thanksgiving you're supposed to give thanks for what you have, right? -- what, by shoveling it into your face? It's supposed to be a season of giving, but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to give to others, not to your thighs. So why do we do it, then? Please, tell me why I'm carrying around an extra 5 pounds of Christmas cookies in my ass. And why exactly are there Christmas cookies? You can buy cookies in the store every damn day -- why do people choose Christmas to bake their own and have them at every fucking party and family function known to man? And then to add insult to injury, the assholes give them out as gifts! Bastards! Why must you give the cookie a bad name by turning it into a fundamental piece of Holiday Heft? What you're really saying is: "I don't like you enough to buy you a gift, but I don't hate you, and it would be rude not to have a present for you, so here's a little something that is really just a gift for me because in 2 weeks your ass won't fit into your office chair and I'm gonna laugh about it. Not to your face, though. Because that would be rude. Happy holidays!". There aren't any Independence Day cookies. No Martin Luther King, Jr. Day cookies. So what the fuck, people? Stop with the damn cookies! And the green bean casserole. Why do people only serve that nasty shit around the holidays? What makes it so special that we only whip out the Cream of Mushroom Soup and french friend onions around Christmas? Hell, maybe Jesus really did have a thing for it.


I'm tired of spending the entire year regretting giving so much thanks for what I have. I guess now I actually have an excuse to be an ungrateful bitch. Sweet.