Mama Said There'd be Days Like This

Actually, no, she didn't. And if she had, I would have laughed, because it's so ridiculous. It's like one of those slapstick comedies that you really have to be in the mood to watch, otherwise it's just painfully uncomfortable. Welcome to My Day!

We had a new refrigerator delivered this morning. Yay!! A beautiful stainless steel GE, french doors, bottom freezer, ice maker and internal water dispenser. Muah, love you! (Trust me, you're jealous) Delivery men arrive, right on time, and I'm ready. I've got all the coolers in the kitchen, and I've already taken out sodas and water bottles. Bring it on. I start shoveling things into the coolers. Meanwhile, the delivery guys are taking off my kitchen door, because the thing won't fit. They ease the fridge to the top step, and one of the guys actually says, "Aye carumba" under his breath. (A portent of things to come?) They wiggle the fridge back and forth in the frame, and miracle of miracles, it comes through. Woo hoo! At this point, I almost have the fridge emptied, although the coolers are full and I've resorted to scattering near-empty mustard bottles and ew, what is this, moldy olive tapenade? all over my counters. Suddenly I realize that I have a 9-month-old daughter, and she hasn't been crawling up my leg for a while. I look over, and she is sitting in a puddle of water. My darling has just tipped the dogs' water dish over. The guys are ready to put the fridge in. I have a soaked baby and floor. I grab some towels to mop up the mess, then charge upstairs to change the Bebe into dry clothes.

The new fridge is installed, running, and gorgeous. (Trust me, you're jealous) I put Bebe into her car, and begin putting the frozen items back into the freezer. I open the fridge door, and notice a cable sitting on the shelf. It's the water hookup that we had to buy because GE told us if we didn't, they couldn't be held responsible if "anything happened". Like what, like a leak? Well shit. I call my husband at work to get GE's number, then frantically call GE and ask what the hell this cable is doing in my hand and not in my fridge. I'm informed that they cannot attach the plastic cable to our existing copper water pipe. Oh ok. The copper pipe looks new enough to me, so that's good. And we can return the unused pipe to Home Depot for a refund. Cool.

Return to restocking the refrigerator. The Bebe is restless. I throw cereal puffs on her tray to buy some time. Making progress when suddenly HOLY SHIT IS THAT A LEAK IN THE WATER DISPENSER?!?!? Did I mention we got the new fridge because the old one was leaking? Motherf*#%&*..... This has gone from amusing me, to really pissing me off. I call our plumber. Yes, the plumber. (The girls at their office had the same response) I rationalize that if our old fridge was leaking, and my brand-friggin-new fridge is leaking, there's a problem with said copper pipe. How convenient that GE will have no liability in this, as they made clear that the aforementioned copper pipe ain't their problem. I try to calmly explain this to the woman on the phone, who keeps telling me I need appliance repair, not a plumber. After a few minutes of back and forth, she finally agrees to send a guy out.

I am seething. Bebe is fussing. Great combo. Really. I still have an entire kitchen full of perishable items to stuff into my brand-new-piece-of-shit refrigerator. The fussing turns into full-out crying. The cereal puffs are no longer working. I pick her up to keep her quiet. So now I'm down to one hand, as I have to balance Bebe on my hip. I slam a Chinese take-out container on one of the shelves, and manage to scrape skin off my hand on the upper shelf. Son of a %t(*$! So now I'm bleeding. I'm already doing this shit with one hand, and now that one hand is bleeding. Beyond pissed at this point.

So, with a fussy Bebe balanced on my right hip, and a bloody left hand, I try to put one of the drawers in. Well apparently, in my haste to remove my injured hand earlier, I inadvertently slid the container of Chinese food precariously close to the edge of the shelf. All that banging I'm doing while trying to fit the damn drawer in invites gravity to the party, and an entire container of spicy shrimp and fried rice falls off the shelf and into the drawer I am trying to install. And on the floor. Wow. I have run out of curses.

Crying or not, Bebe got her ass plopped right back into her little car while Mommy wished for a cigarette and began cleaning Chinese food slime out of the brand new crisper. Still bleeding, by the way. Bebe is now actually flailing her arms up and down in addition to wailing, which I am trying desperately to ignore because I have ice cream melting down the cabinets. I cannot, and I, (being a horrible, horrible mother) yell, "Would you stop!?". I immediately feel like a shit, she startles, winces, and screams. I pick her up and apologize profusely, cuddling her and stroking her hair. Now I feel really bad for yelling. I cradle my Bebe in my arms and whisper to her. She was asleep before I reached her room. I put the poor thing down and went back to my accursed kitchen.

I'm still bleeding, by the way. I finish putting things away, and the plumber shows up. I explain the problem, he checks out that wretched copper pipe that I am convinced is the bane of my existence -- turns out that's not it. He very kindly -- and patiently -- explains there's probably just air in the line. He fills a few cups with water, and whaddya know, no leak! It was only air. Air!!

I finally stopped bleeding.