Passionate about Pigeonholes

Got all philosophical and shit with a good friend the other night about whether we -- people in general -- are really supposed to be happy. He, and another male friend, are unhappy in their marriages. I mean, they still love their wives, but sometimes love isn't enough. (Ask any guy/chick who's been friend-zoned) It's not necessarily that they're bored, either. My friend just wants more. I know the feeling, because I want it, too. So we got talkin, are we asking too much? Maybe true happiness is impossible. Maybe wanting everything in a relationship is unreasonable.

I have to admit, there was a time I thought that was true. Maybe some people just weren't meant to be happy. Maybe we were meant to wander, making others happy, but never really feeling it ourselves. Or maybe we truly are unreasonable, and stand in the way of our own happiness with our obstinance. I mean, I am a stubborn bitch.

Sometimes I get a little frustrated because I haven't found that everything feeling, and I think I'm just a miserable creature incapable of happiness. But then I find others who feel the same way, and I don't think that's really the case. Right? I mean if there are more, I can't be a freak of natur....well, I can be, but let's not open that can of worms, we'll be here for the rest of my life, which actually may not be too long, because one of you will likely reach through the internet and strangle me before I got too far, and see it's already happening, I've started to ramble on about nothiOK I'm done.

I think we're conditioned to settle. Again, "we" like people in general. We are conditioned early on to accept that life isn't fair. To paraphrase a great philosopher of our time, we can't always get what we want, but if we try we can get what we need. That is the problem, right there. What we need. How the fuck do you know what you need? You know when you need food, because that's a physical need. But when it comes to mental and emotional shit, you don't know. If you did, you wouldn't really have mental and emotional needs, now would you?

We're conditioned to settle for what we think we need, because it's unreasonable to get everything you want. It's impossible....

Well, that's true to some extent. Maybe you can't get all the physical, material things you want. But why not emotional and psychological needs? They constantly change and evolve. They are shaped in some ways by the world -- and people -- around us. So it stands to reason we should be able to find someone who can grow and evolve along the same plane, right? Someone who can inspire and teach and guide, and who will be inspired and teachd-ed and guided by you in return.

My mom has an awesome story about settling, and I think it illustrates my philosophical breakthrough perfectly. Ready? Cliff Notes version: Guy's looking for an antique rolltop desk.
He knows exactly what he wants. Oak, medium finish, claw feet, and pigeonholes. Oh for Christ's sake, you can't look it up yourself? They're little cubby holes where you can put papers and useless decorative paperweights. They're called pigeonholes because they look kinda like the nesting boxes for pigeons. See? Your laziness has already made this story longer than it needs to be. Moving on.

So bro searches high and low for this damn desk. He finds tons of beautiful desks, but not what he wants. Then, one glorious, miraculous day he finds it. The oak, claw feet...oh wait, shit. No pigeonholes. Well, he thinks, it's close to what I want. And I've looked for so long, I may never find exactly what I'm looking for, so I better get this one. Wedding bells! But after the honeymoon, when they get home, every time he looks at that beautiful desk, he doesn't see the smooth finish on the oak, or the gracefully curbed legs and claw feet. All he sees is -- you guessed it -- no pigeonholes.

I think that's what's going on with my two friends. We settle for what we think we need, because the idea that what we want exists is too good to be true. We've been taught to stop complaining and be happy with what we've got. But again...that shit don't fly for intangible needs like love and companionship.

Me and my friend both want passion. I mentioned this to unhappy man #2 and he was a little condescending about it. "You want passion all the time, huh?" Well yeah, fuckface, I do. You just don't understand passion. When you see an elderly couple, 75 years old, married 40 or 50 years, and they're holding hands? That's passion. Passion is just loving and believing in something or someone with all of your being. It doesn't always have to be set-the-world-on-fire, although that's super rad and I love when that happens. It's sitting on the couch watching TV in silence, and she reaches for your hand, or he plays with your hair, or you just smile at each other and share that wonderful kind of knowing everything. When your heart has that strange, indescribable fullness, that's passion. You fight with passion, you fuck with passion, you sit silently with passion.

And I refuse to believe wanting that is unreasonable. Wanting that fiery crazy stuff all the time may be unreasonable, yes. But I think that's only a tiny slice of what passion truly is. It's truly believing in something other than yourself. It's seeing the magic and beauty in something that others may not, and being determined to use every fiber of your being, everything you've got, to make it shine. And it's the contentment that comes from knowing that you've got something great. You feel that about things all the time, don't you? My mom is passionate about riding her Harley. I'm passionate about writing; I've felt all of the things I've described here even as I wrote this. That's probably why it's so real to you right now. Authenticity, my friend, is the hallmark of something something something I don't know.

So maybe it takes a long time to find that same kind of passion shared with another person. And that sucks so hard. I hate it. But if we choose to stop looking, we'll definitely never find it, right?

But I'm never getting married again, just in case